Avoiding disagreeable arguments
A book I’m reading has two sisters who get into an argument. Anger explodes over a trivial disagreement, hurtful things are said. Both sisters go away hurt.
Why is it so hard to disagree without becoming disagreeable?
One problem is that some people assume that if you disagree with them, it’s automatically a personal attack. Thinking this way will probably make you less receptive to what is being said and quick to anger; fearful or suspicious that there’s an agenda that’s against your interest. Avoid making things personal. Assume best intent.
How about those who listen to their feelings during a disagreement and don’t think through the pros and cons of what’s being said? How can they understand the real issues? If we’re feelings-led we’ll find we hold opinions just because they ‘feel right’, and we’ll miss the other person’s perspective. Beware of putting feelings before facts.
When locked in disagreement have you thought of finding a mediator? There’s a time when Jesus became a mediator (Mark chapter 10, Bible). James and John wanted top positions in the coming Kingdom of God. When the other disciples found out they were angry. This strong disagreement led Jesus to bring the two sides together for reconciliation. Jesus focussed on attitudes and motives. He contrasted the kingdoms of the world where power and influence are used for self-benefit, with the Kingdom of God. Jesus said, “whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant and whoever wants to be first must be the slave of all” Thus showing them a new perspective beyond their limited selfish ambition. Jesus is also the Great Mediator between humanity and God. We can pray to him for help.
In Luke 15:11-32 Jesus tells a story about two sons. The younger asks his father for money and goes off travelling and enjoying himself. The older son stays at home faithfully helping his dad. One day the younger son returns, and his father throws a homecoming party. This makes the older son upset. He is angry and disrespectful to his father. Bitterness and resentment keep the older son from forgiving his younger brother. His father’s welcome for his brother becomes a personal attack, a rejection. His negative feelings blind him to other perspectives of what may be happening- the happiness of his father and his lost brother returning. C. S. Lewis said, “My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through those of others.”
When you are next in a disagreement it is very helpful to self-reflect, to look at your motives. You could also try prayer and reading the Bible to find out what Jesus would do if he was in your place.
